Legends from ARPANET
Image: "Desk" by NiD
Sunday, February 24, 2002
March 2, 2002
ARPANET was the first Internet. It was a funded research project to send data between computers. The experts behind it were geniuses, but few of them were financially rewarded for their technological contribution to the world. But behind all of these closed doors of the laboratories and the workstations, something strange, something obtuse, something crazy was going on. And now, I present to you the very first chat conversations sent on the Internet. The Legends from ARPANET!
Conversation #001 - Day 1 of the Internet
KillerD00D99: Yes! The Arpanet is finally working! We'll make millions!
XcrazymanX: Awesome, man! It's working! Let the money roll in!
KillerD00D99: Hey, this chat-thing could be kinda fun.
XcrazymanX: You're crazy. I'm bored as hell right now.
KillerD00D99: Hey, check this out, man... :)
XcrazymanX: What the hell is that?
KillerD00D99: It's a smiley!
XcrazymanX: It's a colon and a parenthesis.
KillerD00D99: No, look at it from its side.
XcrazymanX: That's the most fucked up thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
KillerD00D99: Hey, Dave's back with lunch!
XcrazymanX: All right! L8er, man!
XcrazymanX: Yeah? Later? L-8-er? Jeeze, you're stupid.
XcrazymanX has logged out.
KillerD00D99: Don't you log out on me, you son of a bitch!?
KillerD00D99: Come back!
KillerD00D99: Right now!
KillerD00D99: I SAID NOW!
KillerD00D99: Come back RIGHT NOW!
KillerD00D99 has logged out.
Conversation #02 - Day 12 of the Internet
KillerD00D99: Test. Test. Test.
0your0mom0sucks0: You're coming in fine.
KillerD00D99: Why did you have to choose a name like that?
0your0mom0sucks0: A name like what?
KillerD00D99: Like THAT! It's perverted.
0your0mom0sucks0: Whatever, dude.
KillerD00D99: It's D00D to you, buster!
ChillBoi696969 has logged in.
ChillBoi696969: What's up, my niggaz!?!?
KillerD00D99: Must you use such profane language?
ChillBoi696969: Chill out, a'ight?
0your0mom0sucks0: Yeah, boy. I tried to tell him to earlier, but he's all out with this censorship, fascist thing. He needs to get laid.
ChillBoi696969: Mos def, dawg! I am duh ChillBoi!
KillerD00D99: ChillBoi... Your real name is Charles Smith -- not ChillBoi.
ChillBoi696969: Forget you, l00ser.
KillerD00D99: "Loser" has only one O in it.
Conversation #03 - Day 17 of the Internet
KillerD00D99: Testing. Everyone coming in fine?
ChillBoi696969: Clear, yo'.
XcrazymanX: Good and good.
KillerD00D99: I assume that you're getting this fine big8888forever?
KillerD00D99: Okay, here's a small project. Everyone state your age, your gender, and your location.
ChillBoi696969: 15/F/wherever you want me.
XcrazymanX: 13 female on your lap
0your0mom0sucks0the0big0one0: 69/female/in the 69 position
KillerD00D99: It should be obvious to anyone working here that nobody on our team is a female.
KillerD00D99: Carl, knock it off!
KillerD00D99: Okay, now let's try roll call again.
KillerD00D99: I am 27, male, and I live in Oregon.
0your0mom0sucks0the0big0one0: John, you're fucking 40.
big8888forever: Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex....
KillerD00D99: That's it!
XcrazymanX has been punted.
ChillBoi696969: What'd you do to my friend, beeyatch!?!?
big8888forever has been punted.
KillerD00D99: That asshole. I'm suspended Carl from terminal use in this building ever again.
ChillBoi696969: What about XcrazymanX!? You bastard!
ChillBoi696969 has been punted.
0your0mom0sucks0the0big0one0: I have something to tell you Killer -- your mom sucks the big one!
0your0mom0sucks0the0big0one0 has been punted.
KillerD00D99: There, I have rid the world of your evil presences. Now we can have an orderly chat-room.
Conversation #04 - Day 24 of the Internet
111Babe: Hi, honey.
KillerD00D99: Who is this?
111Babe: I'm whoever you want me to be.
KillerD00D99: This you, Carl?
111Babe: What are you wearing? I want to cyber-fuck you!
KillerD00D99: How would that work?
111Babe: We just send sensual message about each other to each other.
111Babe: I'm thinking about your penis, John.
KillerD00D99: All right, that's enough of this.
111Babe has been punted.
Conversation #05 - Day 25 of the Internet
XcrazymanX: lol, I saw your convo with Charles.
KillerD00D99: That was Charles!?!?
XcrazymanX: Yeah. 111Babe -- a bit suspicious, huh?
KillerD00D99: He is so fired.
KillerD00D99: And what the hell is that? l - o - l?
XcrazymanX: Get with the times, John. It's short for "laugh out loud."
KillerD00D99: So you were laughing at me?
Conversation #06 - Day 32 of the Internet
MajesticKnight782: *swoops in, saving you from the clutches of the dragon*
NeedsToBeSavedPrincessGrrrl: Why thank you, most kind and affectionate knight.
MajesticKnight782: Twas much pleasure, muh'lady. *kisses you gently on the lips*
NeedsToBeSavedPrincessGrrrl: Why, sir knight, you are quite brave. We should make our commitment official!
MajesticKnight782: It would be my pleasure. You are the utmostly beautiful and amazing woman I have ever met. I would do anything for you. *kisses you again*
NeedsToBeSavedPrincessGrrrl: *kisses you back*
KillerD00D99: What the hell is going on here!?!?!?
MajesticKnight782: Dammit, ruin the mood, why don't you!?
NeedsToBeSavedPrincessGrrrl: I was about to get married!
KillerD00D99: Answer this one question... what the hell were you two doing?
MajesticKnight782: It's called roleplaying.
KillerD00D99: Beg my pardon, but aren't both of you men?
NeedsToBeSavedPrincessGrrrl: That's the beauty of roleplaying. Although I understand Charles to be a strong and sensitive man in real life, I understand him to be more when we roleplay.
MajesticKnight782: We roleplayed this morning from 9:00 A.M. to 12:00. Then we left and had some lunch. Now we were just finishing up!
KillerD00D99: Goddammit. It's already 3:00 P.M.. And this is how you test software?
XcrazymanX: You should have seen it earlier. Sir Lothar rode this stallion while fending off vampires that could fly and were armed with dart guns. And then he scaled this castle, all for this damsel in distress, Princess Kolayeen, who was voted as the most beautiful in several beauty contests!
MajesticKnight782: Where did you come from!? You've been here the whole time!?!?
NeedsToBeSavedPrincessGrrrl: Oh, my lord Zeus.... You saw the sex scene!
KillerD00D99: THERE WAS A SEX SCENE???
XcrazymanX: Yeah, and it was right dirty. Talk about bottoming bottoms.
KillerD00D99: Oh, jeeze.
MajesticKnight782: *picks his sword from his girdle* How long have you been there, imposter crazyman!?!?
NeedsToBeSavedPrincessGrrrl: *puts her cloak on and runs to the corner, awaiting for her knight to deal with the evil*
XcrazymanX: I was here since 3:30 A.M..
MajesticKnight782: Why didn't you say something while we were roleplaying sex!? *holding his sword to your head*
XcrazymanX: It was more than just roleplaying sex. Your keyboard was all sticky while you two went out for lunch. I stayed behind e-mail your conversation to everyone on the internet!! Yes, SEVEN PEOPLE! Took 45 minutes of lag, but I did it! (All while eating my lunch of animal crackers!)
MajesticKnight782: Prepare to die like the swine you are, glutton! *charges crazyman with his sword drawn*
XcrazymanX: *parries MajesticKnight's attack* Now you die, womanizing feind! *swings his sword at MajesticKnight*
NeedsToBeSavedPrincessGrrrl: *cries at crazyman's remark*
MajesticKnight782: SATAN SPAWN! *parries crazyman's attack, and then slashes crazyman, spilling his insides at the floor of PrincessGrrrl*
XcrazymanX: *gurgle gurgle gurgle* Pluto will get you for what you did! Mark my words, I go to hell an angry man!
KillerD00D99: All right, enough of this shit.
MajesticKnight782 has been punted.
NeedsToBeSavedPrincessGrrrl has been punted
XcrazymanX has been punted.
Conversation #07 - Day 33 of the Internet
KillerD00D99 has logged on.
MajesticKnight782: There he is!
NeedsToBeSavedPrincessGrrrl: Fight the mod!!!
XcrazymanX: Kill the moderator!
ChillBoi696969: Hell no! We won't go!
0your0mom0sucks0: Take control of the chat-room! Nobody lives forever!
KillerD00D99: Just what the hell is going on?
MajesticKnight782: We told them what you did! You punted us!
0your0mom0sucks0: Fight the censorship, my Communist brothers!
ChillBoi696969: Die, you bastard!
KillerD00D99: Everyone, just calm the hell down. And big8888forever, stop saying that.
0your0mom0sucks0: He can say whatever he wants, you ass-munch.
NeedsToBeSavedPrincessGrrrl: We have freedom of expression and we don't have to be subjected to your tyranny!
ChillBoi696969: Heathen mod!
KillerD00D99: Charles, what the hell are you doing? I thought I asked you to fix the wires in workstation #13? And now you're raising a rebellion in our chat-room?
KillerD00D99: Answer me now or you'll be fired.
ChillBoi696969: FIGHT THE MOD!!!
NeedsToBeSavedPrincessGrrrl: Fight for your rights!!
MajesticKnight782: WE DESERVE RIGHTS!
0your0mom0sucks0: If I want to say PENIS, I can say it! PENIS PENIS PENIS!
big8888forever: SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX!!!!!
XcrazymanX: The mod is not your friend! Fight back now or lose your rights forever!
MajesticKnight782: NO ONE LIVES FOREVER! WE MAY AS WELL LIVE WITH FREEDOM AND LIBERTY! LET NOBODY CENSOR YOUR EXPRESSION!
KillerD00D99: You all realize that I have the right to punt anyone I want and suspend access to anyone who pisses me off, correct?
big8888forever: sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex
big8888forever has been punted.
big8888forever's access has been suspended.
KillerD00D99: Anybody else have a problem?
KillerD00D99 has logged off.
MajesticKnight782: Man what an asshole.
ChillBoi696969: That jerk off.
XcrazymanX: Hey, let's go trash his car!
NeedsToBeSavedPrincessGrrrl: Let's do it!
0your0mom0sucks0 has logged off
MajesticKnight782 has logged off.
ChillBoi696969 has logged off.
XcrazymanX has logged off.
NeedsToBeSavedPrincessGrrrl has logged off.
0your0mom0sucks0 has logged on
0your0mom0sucks0: Uummmm.... It appears that my shoes are glued to the floor and I can't move.
0your0mom0sucks0: Can someone help me?
0your0mom0sucks0: Is anyone there?
Conversation #08 - Day 34 of the Internet
KillerD00D99 has logged on.
KillerD00D99: When I left work yesterday, my car was covered in condom wrappers. Does anyone know who did this?
0your0mom0sucks0: Nope. I don't know.
ChillBoi696969: Not a clue, dawg.
XcrazymanX: Couldn't tell ya', son.
NeedsToBeSavedPrincessGrrrl: By the valor of Zeus, I know not.
KillerD00D99: When I turned on the air-conditioning, a condom wrapper blew into my face.
KillerD00D99: Rofl? What the hell is that?
XcrazymanX: It means Rolling On Floor Laughing. And I second that motion: rofl.
KillerD00D99: You're head of security at this computer laboratory. I want you to investigate the incident and find out who is responsible.
XcrazymanX: Yes, sir!
KillerD00D99: Until then, good luck. I'm out to try and repair the error that keeps popping up on Terminal #17 when it comes to receiving messages. See you later.
KillerD00D99 has logged out.
0your0mom0sucks0: lol, crazyman, it was your idea to trash Killer's car and you're head of security.
ChillBoi696969: Crazyman, I never knew you were head of security.
XcrazymanX: Shit, man. Neither did I. I just come here to use the computers and pick up my paycheck.
MajesticKnight782: That's awesome. Now, everyone resume your positions prior to Killer logging in....
XcrazymanX: *grabs some popcorn and munches*
ChillBoi696969: *sits next to duh crazy Crazyman, munching on his popcorn, 2*
0your0mom0sucks0: *gets some cokes and distributes them*
MajesticKnight782: Ahem ahem ahem...
MajesticKnight782: Lovely lady, now that I have relinquished all the goblins from this continent, and now that I have delivered the Elven peoples to safety, will you kiss me?
NeedsToBeSavedPrincessGrrrl: Oh, strong sir knight, I would be glad to! *kisses you*
Conversation #09 - Day 39 of the Internet
i-like-the-boobies-KillerD00D99: I am so very disappointed at this turn of events.
ChillBoi696969: Dawg, I like 'em, 2!
i-like-the-boobies-KillerD00D99: Someone hacked the system and changed my name!
XcrazymanX: I like the change, d00d.
NeedsToBeSavedPrincessGrrrl: Me, too.
0your0mom0sucks0: Why can't you just get a new name?
i-like-the-boobies-KillerD00D99: Because then I would lose the administrative abilities of punting people.
ChillBoi696969: Hehe, sux for U.
So there you have it, legends from ARPANET. Down and through history, mankind will make his inventions and technologies to meet particular demands. And along with these advancements, there will be the fuckups and mistakes -- these are just the ones from ARPANET.