It is true. I am a bad person. Here I was, going through life, enjoying the pleasures of psychedelics, attending to my duty as a reformer and revolutionary, and I never knew it, but I'm a bad person. Fortunately, someone came along and told me this. Of course, when I was told this, not only was I a bad, horrible person, with no conceptual hope of any desirable future, but the person telling me this was a wonderful, intelligent person -- and I know so because she said so, and whatever she says is right, because she's wonderful and intelligent.... By now, you probably can tell that this article is a satire (no! really!?), but here's the raw deal: I was sleep deprived and feeling out of it, and randomly IM'd people. This one girl I saw had a profile that said: "Likes: presents (sparkley things!)" Needless to say, I immediately IM'd her, quoting my friend, "The idea that the economy is complex is constantly undermined by the basic principle that people will buy shiny things." She was asleep. Then I passed out around 6:00 A.M. with the coaxing of my friend NiD, who lives in another time zone. When I woke up, she IM'd me back, and we had a riveting conversation! I think you'll enjoy it.
DaveMatthewsRocks: who are you?? O_o
Punkerslut: I..... am god.
Punkerslut: Some refer to me as Jesus, but that's mostly on a case-by-case basis.
DaveMatthewsRocks: i got your message last night.
DaveMatthewsRocks: so i assume you found me on LJ.
Punkerslut: Last night is mostly a blur to me.
DaveMatthewsRocks: you were drunk?
Punkerslut: Nah, just extremely sleep deprived.
Punkerslut: Don't drink.
[Author's Note: At least, not excessively.]
DaveMatthewsRocks: should i or do i know you?
Punkerslut: Probably not.
Punkerslut: What's LJ?
DaveMatthewsRocks: you criticized my love of sparkley things :-P
Punkerslut: lol, I remember now.
Punkerslut: Aahhhh, irreverence and wit. I love it so much.
DaveMatthewsRocks: it's okay. im slowly getting over it since my boy wont buy them for me.
Punkerslut: Good one.
Punkerslut: But you were probably serious.
Punkerslut: Uhhhh, you expect your boyfriend to buy you things?
DaveMatthewsRocks: heh. yeah.
DaveMatthewsRocks: but im lucky if i get dinner out of the cheap-i.
DaveMatthewsRocks: er cheap-o/
DaveMatthewsRocks: i'm typing like a retard today.
Punkerslut: .... uuuhhh, you actually rely on your lover to sustain you? That's like the same as prostitution.
DaveMatthewsRocks: no, not to sustain me.
DaveMatthewsRocks: we take turns paying, supposedly.
DaveMatthewsRocks: but i wind up paying most of the time.
DaveMatthewsRocks: and... presents seem to be out of the question at this point
Punkerslut: Oh, sure, and you complain that he doesn't buy you enough "sparkley things."
Punkerslut: I once met a girl named "Sparkley Girl." She was crazy.
DaveMatthewsRocks: do you know what sparkley things are? diamonds.
[Author's Note: How STUPID of me! I should have known! Whenever someone uses the word "sparkley," it has to do with diamonds.]
Punkerslut: .... I thought you should know.
DaveMatthewsRocks: diamonds and platinum.
DaveMatthewsRocks: lots of girls are crazy.
Punkerslut: You could have, uhhh, you know, used that actual word.
DaveMatthewsRocks: i do in my livejournal... earlier in the list.
DaveMatthewsRocks: *gives you a dollar*
Punkerslut: Oh, fuckin' live journal.
Punkerslut: Fuck that.
Punkerslut: I found you via Find A Buddy-- Atheism or Christianity.
DaveMatthewsRocks: *takes her dollar back*
DaveMatthewsRocks: atheism, then.
DaveMatthewsRocks: i have a pin on my bag that says, plainly, ATHEIST.
Punkerslut: I was thinking about taking massive amounts of painkillers and talking to people on AIM. It's kind of fun.
DaveMatthewsRocks: and my economics teacher asked me about it.
DaveMatthewsRocks: and i was like "fuck, he's gonna hate me"
DaveMatthewsRocks: but i was like "yeah, i sure am."
DaveMatthewsRocks: and he goes "me too." :-)
DaveMatthewsRocks: i was like, "Awesome!"
Punkerslut: Sweet. =)
DaveMatthewsRocks: where'd you find sparkley things? in my AIM subprofile?
Punkerslut: Economics teacher? Oh, gaaaawd... I love economics! Macroeconomics, too? Globalization and Neo-Liberalism, too!?
DaveMatthewsRocks: i like the class alot.
DaveMatthewsRocks: it's micro, actually.
DaveMatthewsRocks: but my teacher, hinting that i should take up economics, asked me what my major was.
Punkerslut: Ah, and are you a Socialist or Communist yet?
DaveMatthewsRocks: but i do like canada.
[Author's Note: lol]
Punkerslut: That doesn't help much.
DaveMatthewsRocks: well, they're socialist to a point.
Punkerslut: .... not really.
DaveMatthewsRocks: moreso than america.
Punkerslut: America sucks ass.
DaveMatthewsRocks: i think i'd like to live in either massachusettes, canada, or england.
DaveMatthewsRocks: but with a warm climate.
DaveMatthewsRocks: mmm graham crackers.
DaveMatthewsRocks: do you live in america?
Punkerslut: I live in Mass.
Punkerslut: But, uhhh, I like, travel sort of.
DaveMatthewsRocks: mmmm you have an accent
Punkerslut: lol, no, I don't... I pronounce my R's. Traveling through the US has obliterated my accent entirely.
DaveMatthewsRocks: ugh. i dont wanna talk to you if you dont have an accent.
[Author's Note: My next comment indicates my opinion of her statement.]
DaveMatthewsRocks: i fucking love accents.
Punkerslut: You ask your lovers to speak with an accent while you fuck?
DaveMatthewsRocks: anything european or austrailian or east coast or southern.
DaveMatthewsRocks: no, but i once had sex with a native french-speaker who would say "oui!" instead of "yes!"
DaveMatthewsRocks: it was "tres sexie!"
DaveMatthewsRocks: guess what?
DaveMatthewsRocks: i dont think i have a g spot. :-\
DaveMatthewsRocks: no, i have a CLIT.
DaveMatthewsRocks: i'm talking about the g-spot...
Punkerslut: Okay, I'm not a surgeon, so I can't help ya'.
DaveMatthewsRocks: mine is MIA.
DaveMatthewsRocks: nathan speaks germain. isn't mien german?
Punkerslut: No, but it looks it.
<DaveMatthewsRocks: interesting O_o
Punkerslut: I can speak perfectly good German. Ziggafrier ondas bet. Fleisch neisch unn....
[Author's Note: I'm obviously talking out of my ass.]
DaveMatthewsRocks: how old are you?
Punkerslut: I'm 18.
Punkerslut: Part-time gigolo.
Punkerslut: .... and for once, I'd like my client not to be a man.
DaveMatthewsRocks: omg. i said g spot to an 18 year old.
Punkerslut: lol, you're an idiot.
DaveMatthewsRocks: im going straight to hell.
DaveMatthewsRocks: you're like a fucking baby.
DaveMatthewsRocks: but meaner.
Punkerslut: Haha, you're 19.
DaveMatthewsRocks: shouldnt you be in school or something?
Punkerslut: I'm a drop out.
DaveMatthewsRocks: really? O_o
DaveMatthewsRocks: hey!! i'm ALMLOST 20!!
Punkerslut: Yeah.... In fact, I just got my ass off of living on the streets in New Orleans.
DaveMatthewsRocks: and im a sophomore in HS!
Punkerslut: That's sad.
Punkerslut: You should drop out.
Punkerslut: I was about to say.
DaveMatthewsRocks: sorry, i was playing with my cam and not really paying attention.
Punkerslut: No, wait, I did say it. That was sad.
DaveMatthewsRocks: i know, officially, 2 HS dropouts now.
DaveMatthewsRocks: one is named jason.
DaveMatthewsRocks: one is named.... er... you...
Punkerslut: My name is Robin Hood.
DaveMatthewsRocks: and both seem extremely smart.
DaveMatthewsRocks: he finally got his GED though so he could work in a bank.
DaveMatthewsRocks: really? my name is olive oil.
Punkerslut: .... only my friends believe me that I'm Robin Hood.
DaveMatthewsRocks: steal from the rich and give to the poor?
DaveMatthewsRocks: sounds like a communist to me.
Punkerslut: I was a Socialist. When I was homeless, I stole mad amounts of shit from stores and distributed among the poor.
Punkerslut: Eventually, they all called me Robin Hood.
DaveMatthewsRocks: did you live in a shelter???
DaveMatthewsRocks: once, for a class, i had to pretend i was homeless for a night.
Punkerslut: No, sometimes I slept on the sidewalk, or in a squat (abandoned building).
DaveMatthewsRocks: now you live with a sugar momma?
Punkerslut: I wish. I went back home to my parents.
DaveMatthewsRocks: im actually an economic republican.
Punkerslut: I hate you.
DaveMatthewsRocks: so you weren't homeless, you were a runaway.
Punkerslut: I was homeless for three months.
DaveMatthewsRocks: no, you were a runaway for 3 months.
[Author's Note: It's difficult, you understand, talking to stupid people.]
DaveMatthewsRocks: you had a place to go, you chose not to.
Punkerslut: lol, runaways are homeless, too.
DaveMatthewsRocks: meh, i think if you HAVE other alternative, you aren't really homeless.
[Author's Note: lol.]
Punkerslut: You didn't have a place to go. My parents said, "You're not welcome in our house! OUT!"
DaveMatthewsRocks: alternativeS even
DaveMatthewsRocks: oh, i see.
DaveMatthewsRocks: you didnt leave by choice?
Punkerslut: Oh, right, living with abusive family members, that's a good choice.
DaveMatthewsRocks: how come they kicked your ass out?
Punkerslut: First time I "ran away," yes.
Punkerslut: Because I'm a fucking piece of shit.
DaveMatthewsRocks: hm. interesting outlook.
DaveMatthewsRocks: and you think i should give my hard-earned money to poor homeless people?
Punkerslut: lol, no, I think that corporations shouldn't steal from the working class.
DaveMatthewsRocks: im all about giving second chances and whatnot, but i dont give handouts.
Punkerslut: Workers are paid 5% to 20% of the money they make. If you ever worked as a cashier, you'd know this is true.
DaveMatthewsRocks: if you were the CEO of a corporation, i belive you'd think differently.
DaveMatthewsRocks: i did work as a cashier.
DaveMatthewsRocks: on... 3 different occasions
Punkerslut: I'd never get to being a CEO.
DaveMatthewsRocks: you might some day.
[Author's Note: lol.]
Punkerslut: No. High school dropouts don't get jobs.
DaveMatthewsRocks: if you worked hard enough.
DaveMatthewsRocks: jason has a job.
DaveMatthewsRocks: he's the other dropout i know.
Punkerslut: And I'm working plenty fucking hard as it is.
Punkerslut: lol, "the other dropout," you talk like it's a plague or something.
DaveMatthewsRocks: well, it kinda is.
[Author's Note: lol.]
DaveMatthewsRocks: like... i just know if i'd tried to drop out
Punkerslut: If intelligence and smart choices are a plague.
DaveMatthewsRocks: my mom woulda kicked me in the face
Punkerslut: It's called pulling out a knife and stabbing them in the gut.
DaveMatthewsRocks: i dont think ruining your future is really an intelligent, smart choice.
Punkerslut: lol, dropping out does that!?
DaveMatthewsRocks: it definitely is a step towards ruining it.
Punkerslut: Man, I wonder what drugs must do then.
DaveMatthewsRocks: whereas sticking it out, cuz HS is REALLY not that hard, is a much better alternative for future-having.
Punkerslut: It is hard if you want to actually do something with your life. Spending six hours a day letting people taunt you isn't exactly helpful.
DaveMatthewsRocks: do you want to do something with your life?
DaveMatthewsRocks: dropping out makes that infinitely harder.
Punkerslut: lol, no.
DaveMatthewsRocks: trust me, it does.
Punkerslut: Voltaire got somewhere in his life.
DaveMatthewsRocks: i guarantee someone exactly like you would have an easier time getting a job.
DaveMatthewsRocks: not til he was dead.
Punkerslut: Nah, he did some cool things in his life. He did some time.
DaveMatthewsRocks: that's your goal?
DaveMatthewsRocks: to do some time????
DaveMatthewsRocks: suit yourself.
Punkerslut: Nah, that's not the goal. But if you can do it, you're fucking hardcore.
DaveMatthewsRocks: my goal is to be rich and powerful with a disgustingly expensive car, a gorgeous, successful husband, and a whirlpool tub.
[Author's Note: Double lol.]
DaveMatthewsRocks: but ya know.... whatever...
Punkerslut: That's amusing.
Punkerslut: My goal is never to go back to prison.
DaveMatthewsRocks: prison, whirlpool tub, whatever floats your boat.
DaveMatthewsRocks: you so haven't been to prison.
Punkerslut: lol, I have.
Punkerslut: Criminal Trespassing.
DaveMatthewsRocks: i went to prison once in the same class i had to pretend to be homeless in.
Punkerslut: Orleans Parish Prison.
DaveMatthewsRocks: jail isn't prison.
Punkerslut: In fucking New Orleans it is.
DaveMatthewsRocks: and once, i was dating a guy cuz he had a pool table, and i found out he used to be in prison.
DaveMatthewsRocks: so i left him.
Punkerslut: What's wrong with the inmates!?
DaveMatthewsRocks: i think he killed someone or something.
DaveMatthewsRocks: i can't remember.
Punkerslut: There's nothing wrong with that. Lots of my friends have warrants for aggravated assault and attempted murder. It's why everyone has states that are "off limits."
DaveMatthewsRocks: *rolls eyes* syre
DaveMatthewsRocks: er sure.
Punkerslut: lol, don't believe me then.
Punkerslut: You know, I do have a goal... I want to be a rapper, for MTV.
DaveMatthewsRocks: i adore eminem.
Punkerslut: It's a joke.
DaveMatthewsRocks: i know, but i do like eminem.
Punkerslut: .... gross.
Punkerslut: I hate Eminem.
Punkerslut: Do you like any good music?
DaveMatthewsRocks: stereo fuse
DaveMatthewsRocks: ani difranco
Punkerslut: Eeewwww, DMB.....
Punkerslut: That's worse than Eminem.
DaveMatthewsRocks: how about you?
Punkerslut: KMFDM, Skinny Puppy, VNV Nation, Apoptygma Berzerk, Aphex Twin, Wumpscut, Funker Vogt, Front 242, Front Line Assembly, Assemblage 23.... And Against Me! and the Violent Femmes.
Punkerslut: Don't like them?
DaveMatthewsRocks: nuh uh
DaveMatthewsRocks: none of 'em
DaveMatthewsRocks: but then again, im old.
DaveMatthewsRocks: you're young.
DaveMatthewsRocks: you shall learn.
[Author's Note: Because we all know, the primary difference between all 18 year olds and all 19 year olds is the vast gap of knowledge.]
Punkerslut: You're one fucking year old than me. I've done more in my life than you probably will have done when you're 25.
DaveMatthewsRocks: *shakes her head* doubtful
DaveMatthewsRocks: ill probably own a small island nation by the time im 25.
Punkerslut: lol, okay...
DaveMatthewsRocks: i dont see you owning any small islands?
Punkerslut: lol, you're a fucking idiot.
Punkerslut: I imply that with the best of intentions.
DaveMatthewsRocks: im just more successful, and probably more intelligent, than you.
DaveMatthewsRocks: and i've had less problems and enjoy better music.
DaveMatthewsRocks: that doesnt make me an idiot.
DaveMatthewsRocks: just lucky.
Punkerslut: You're a snobby little wench.
DaveMatthewsRocks: meh, bluntness doesnt really mean snobbyness.
DaveMatthewsRocks: im just brutally honest
Punkerslut: No, but saying that one preference over another is actually "better" is brutal snobbiness.
Punkerslut: Arrogance, really.
DaveMatthewsRocks: well, considering that was sarcasm.... take it as you will.
Punkerslut: And, uhh, successful? You're in fucking college. Have fun learning "Latin and stuff."
DaveMatthewsRocks: yep, im in college... a place you'll never be :-)
DaveMatthewsRocks: and im good at it.
Punkerslut: Whachya' get on your SATS?
DaveMatthewsRocks: my teachers love me, my GPA is through the roof, i have tons of friends, i work really hard at my job, and im involved in campus activities.
DaveMatthewsRocks: ill probably have a job within 30 days of graduation making twice what you'll be making at the time.
Punkerslut: lol, okay
DaveMatthewsRocks: i didnt take SATs, but i got a 21 on my ACT which, i believe, is equivalent to a 1380.
DaveMatthewsRocks: er, 31
DaveMatthewsRocks: i can't type.
Punkerslut: You implied that I'll have a job.
DaveMatthewsRocks: 31/36, and im 99% sure that's a 1380.
DaveMatthewsRocks: yeah, you probably wont.
DaveMatthewsRocks: but if you did... id be makint at least twice what you make... probably closer to triple.
DaveMatthewsRocks: what'd you get on your SATs
Punkerslut: lolol.... Do you always try to compare yourself to others?
Punkerslut: I was on drugs, so the score is irrelevant.
DaveMatthewsRocks: it puts me in the top fucking 2% of the world.
DaveMatthewsRocks: then why'd you ask?
DaveMatthewsRocks: im not the one trying to draw comparisons.
Punkerslut: Curious, so I could mock you.
Punkerslut: lol, you think you're going to be in the "top fucking 2% of the world" because of college, good one.
DaveMatthewsRocks: ah, yes... pitiful people partake in pitiful activities.
Punkerslut: Speak for yourself.
DaveMatthewsRocks: no, not cuz of college... im talking about my intelligence level... im in the top 2% when it comes to intelligence
Punkerslut: *thumbs up*
DaveMatthewsRocks: AND im driven.
DaveMatthewsRocks: unlike you...
DaveMatthewsRocks: who enjoys quitting.
[Author's Note: Bah! If only we could all be more like Canada!]
Punkerslut: This is enjoyable. Please, go on.
DaveMatthewsRocks: i havent much else to say till you can give a valid (non-defensive) response.
[Author's Note: lol, non-defensive responses... I've just mostly been laughing at her.]
Punkerslut: I love it when people who don't know me think they can immediately draw conclusions. It's totally a sign of intelligence. I mean, if saying something in ignorance isn't knowledgeable, I don't know what is!
DaveMatthewsRocks: i dont need to prove myself by talking about my drugs and my sex and my fantastic life as a homeless runaway....
[Author's Note: lol, is that what this is about?]
Punkerslut: *hushes the audience as she prepares to say something about how she's better*
Punkerslut: That was close. But see, now you have to adjust it a little. Talk about how you're going to be better than me in some way.
DaveMatthewsRocks: you, on the other hand, have nothing else to tell about yourself because you're what most pople like to call...a LOSER.
Punkerslut: "You on the other hand"? You were just talking about me. Don't you mean, "More on you"?
DaveMatthewsRocks: you know... dropped out, on drugs, criminal record, has goals about not going back to prison, etc.
Punkerslut: That's not a bad goal!
[Author's Note: And it's not!]
DaveMatthewsRocks: i'm what's referred to as "america's best and brightest," love.
DaveMatthewsRocks: something you'll never, ever get to be called.
DaveMatthewsRocks: *pats you on the head*
DaveMatthewsRocks: you will, forever, be known as a loser.
DaveMatthewsRocks: you'll go nowhere.
DaveMatthewsRocks: wind up with no friends.
DaveMatthewsRocks: have no job.
Punkerslut: You must be really having some emotional problems with this.
DaveMatthewsRocks: live at home til you're 30.
DaveMatthewsRocks: then wind up back in the prison system for the remainder of your life.
DaveMatthewsRocks: while im driving my digustingly expensive car, bossing around the people below me, and toting my gorgeous husband to banquets and benefits.
[Author's Note: There's something seriously wrong with this girl.]
Punkerslut: Okay, you convinced me! I'm going to get my GED and buy that DMB album, just so I can be considered the top 2% of the world.
DaveMatthewsRocks: it isnta bout being in the top 2%, it's about what you want out of life.
Punkerslut: lol, it's like you never grew up from the "I'm gonna be Barbie" dream of most 8 year olds.
DaveMatthewsRocks: if you dont mind being a loser... so be it.
Punkerslut: Yeah, "loser," such objective definition, too.
DaveMatthewsRocks: that dream isnt one 8 year olds have. or at least i didnt.
DaveMatthewsRocks: i just know where im going with my life.
DaveMatthewsRocks: and i know im going to be successful, and because of the field im in, rich.
DaveMatthewsRocks: and thus i can have the things i want.
DaveMatthewsRocks: and provide for a family.
Punkerslut: I provided for thirty families quite fine. =)
DaveMatthewsRocks: by stealing? ROFLK
Punkerslut: lol, you obviously don't know much about it.
DaveMatthewsRocks: *dies laughing*
[Author's Note: Aye, and that's one thing I can be proud of. My revolutionary activity, by stealing from the rich, and giving to the poor.]
DaveMatthewsRocks: well, ya know..
DaveMatthewsRocks: steal for your family... or whoevers family
Punkerslut: lol, you're a funny girl. =)
DaveMatthewsRocks: and be happy about it
Punkerslut: "I'm intelligent. I respond to anything that contradicts me with laughter, because why? I'm intelligent."
Punkerslut: "Only smart people can go to college."
DaveMatthewsRocks: it didnt contradict me, it was just ridiculous.
Punkerslut: "I'm going to own a nation state."
DaveMatthewsRocks: no, i said precisely the opposite.
Punkerslut: It's because you're ignorant.
DaveMatthewsRocks: i said "anyone can finish HS and thus get into college"
DaveMatthewsRocks: you on the other hand
Punkerslut: Couldn't..... *whimpers*
DaveMatthewsRocks: somehow failed at that menial task
DaveMatthewsRocks: im sorry ,menial probably isnt in your vocabulary...
Punkerslut: lol, okay.
DaveMatthewsRocks: it means "really really really easy"
Punkerslut: It doesn't mean really easy. It means physical labor, dumbass.
Punkerslut: Jeeze.... And you'd think I was the college student.
Punkerslut: lol, you got the definition of menial wrong.
DaveMatthewsRocks: anyway, you failed at it.
Punkerslut: No I didn't. I dropped out.
Punkerslut: Quitting, and trying and failing are totally different.
DaveMatthewsRocks: now whos laughing??
DaveMatthewsRocks: no ,it doesnt.
Punkerslut: Get a dictionary. Christ, with owning a nation state, I think you could afford one.
DaveMatthewsRocks: actually, my friends need me to go to lunch... so we'll have to finish this later.
Punkerslut: Have fun!