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I Am A Bad Person

By Punkerslut

Image by NiD
Image: "Fun!" by NiD

Start Date: Saturday, April 5, 2003
Finish Date: Saturday, April 5, 2003

     It is true. I am a bad person. Here I was, going through life, enjoying the pleasures of psychedelics, attending to my duty as a reformer and revolutionary, and I never knew it, but I'm a bad person. Fortunately, someone came along and told me this. Of course, when I was told this, not only was I a bad, horrible person, with no conceptual hope of any desirable future, but the person telling me this was a wonderful, intelligent person -- and I know so because she said so, and whatever she says is right, because she's wonderful and intelligent.... By now, you probably can tell that this article is a satire (no! really!?), but here's the raw deal: I was sleep deprived and feeling out of it, and randomly IM'd people. This one girl I saw had a profile that said: "Likes: presents (sparkley things!)" Needless to say, I immediately IM'd her, quoting my friend, "The idea that the economy is complex is constantly undermined by the basic principle that people will buy shiny things." She was asleep. Then I passed out around 6:00 A.M. with the coaxing of my friend NiD, who lives in another time zone. When I woke up, she IM'd me back, and we had a riveting conversation! I think you'll enjoy it.

DaveMatthewsRocks: hi

DaveMatthewsRocks: who are you?? O_o

Punkerslut: I..... am god.

Punkerslut: Some refer to me as Jesus, but that's mostly on a case-by-case basis.

DaveMatthewsRocks: i got your message last night.

DaveMatthewsRocks: so i assume you found me on LJ.

Punkerslut: Last night is mostly a blur to me.

DaveMatthewsRocks: you were drunk?

Punkerslut: Nah, just extremely sleep deprived.

Punkerslut: Don't drink.

[Author's Note: At least, not excessively.]

DaveMatthewsRocks: should i or do i know you?

Punkerslut: Probably not.

Punkerslut: What's LJ?

DaveMatthewsRocks: hmm...

DaveMatthewsRocks: you criticized my love of sparkley things :-P

Punkerslut: lol, I remember now.

Punkerslut: Aahhhh, irreverence and wit. I love it so much.

DaveMatthewsRocks: it's okay. im slowly getting over it since my boy wont buy them for me.

Punkerslut: lol

Punkerslut: Good one.

Punkerslut: But you were probably serious.

Punkerslut: Uhhhh, you expect your boyfriend to buy you things?

DaveMatthewsRocks: heh. yeah.

DaveMatthewsRocks: but im lucky if i get dinner out of the cheap-i.

DaveMatthewsRocks: er cheap-o/

DaveMatthewsRocks: i'm typing like a retard today.

Punkerslut: .... uuuhhh, you actually rely on your lover to sustain you? That's like the same as prostitution.

DaveMatthewsRocks: no, not to sustain me.

DaveMatthewsRocks: we take turns paying, supposedly.

DaveMatthewsRocks: but i wind up paying most of the time.

DaveMatthewsRocks: and... presents seem to be out of the question at this point

Punkerslut: Oh, sure, and you complain that he doesn't buy you enough "sparkley things."

Punkerslut: I once met a girl named "Sparkley Girl." She was crazy.

DaveMatthewsRocks: do you know what sparkley things are? diamonds.

[Author's Note: How STUPID of me! I should have known! Whenever someone uses the word "sparkley," it has to do with diamonds.]

Punkerslut: .... I thought you should know.

DaveMatthewsRocks: diamonds and platinum.

Punkerslut: Ohhhh.....

DaveMatthewsRocks: lots of girls are crazy.

Punkerslut: You could have, uhhh, you know, used that actual word.

DaveMatthewsRocks: i do in my livejournal... earlier in the list.

DaveMatthewsRocks: *gives you a dollar*

Punkerslut: Oh, fuckin' live journal.

Punkerslut: Fuck that.

DaveMatthewsRocks: =-O

Punkerslut: I found you via Find A Buddy-- Atheism or Christianity.

DaveMatthewsRocks: *takes her dollar back*

DaveMatthewsRocks: atheism, then.

Punkerslut: Sweet.

DaveMatthewsRocks: i have a pin on my bag that says, plainly, ATHEIST.

Punkerslut: I was thinking about taking massive amounts of painkillers and talking to people on AIM. It's kind of fun.

DaveMatthewsRocks: and my economics teacher asked me about it.

Punkerslut: Sweet.

DaveMatthewsRocks: and i was like "fuck, he's gonna hate me"

DaveMatthewsRocks: but i was like "yeah, i sure am."

DaveMatthewsRocks: and he goes "me too." :-)

DaveMatthewsRocks: i was like, "Awesome!"

Punkerslut: Sweet. =)

DaveMatthewsRocks: *streeeetch*

DaveMatthewsRocks: where'd you find sparkley things? in my AIM subprofile?

Punkerslut: Yeah.

Punkerslut: Economics teacher? Oh, gaaaawd... I love economics! Macroeconomics, too? Globalization and Neo-Liberalism, too!?

DaveMatthewsRocks: i like the class alot.

DaveMatthewsRocks: it's micro, actually.

DaveMatthewsRocks: but my teacher, hinting that i should take up economics, asked me what my major was.

Punkerslut: Ah, and are you a Socialist or Communist yet?

DaveMatthewsRocks: no.

DaveMatthewsRocks: but i do like canada.

[Author's Note: lol]

Punkerslut: ....

Punkerslut: That doesn't help much.

DaveMatthewsRocks: well, they're socialist to a point.

Punkerslut: .... not really.

DaveMatthewsRocks: moreso than america.

Punkerslut: America sucks ass.

DaveMatthewsRocks: i think i'd like to live in either massachusettes, canada, or england.

DaveMatthewsRocks: but with a warm climate.

DaveMatthewsRocks: mmm graham crackers.

DaveMatthewsRocks: do you live in america?

Punkerslut: I live in Mass.

Punkerslut: Massachusetts*

Punkerslut: But, uhhh, I like, travel sort of.

DaveMatthewsRocks: mmmm you have an accent

DaveMatthewsRocks: *drools*

Punkerslut: lol, no, I don't... I pronounce my R's. Traveling through the US has obliterated my accent entirely.

DaveMatthewsRocks: ugh. i dont wanna talk to you if you dont have an accent.

[Author's Note: My next comment indicates my opinion of her statement.]

Punkerslut: lol

DaveMatthewsRocks: i fucking love accents.

Punkerslut: You ask your lovers to speak with an accent while you fuck?

DaveMatthewsRocks: anything european or austrailian or east coast or southern.

DaveMatthewsRocks: no, but i once had sex with a native french-speaker who would say "oui!" instead of "yes!"

DaveMatthewsRocks: it was "tres sexie!"

DaveMatthewsRocks: guess what?

Punkerslut: What?

DaveMatthewsRocks: i dont think i have a g spot. :-\

Punkerslut: Sucks. Did you have a clitorectomy?

DaveMatthewsRocks: no, i have a CLIT.

DaveMatthewsRocks: i'm talking about the g-spot...

Punkerslut: Okay, I'm not a surgeon, so I can't help ya'.

DaveMatthewsRocks: mine is MIA.

DaveMatthewsRocks: damn.

DaveMatthewsRocks: nathan speaks germain. isn't mien german?

Punkerslut: No, but it looks it.

<DaveMatthewsRocks: interesting O_o

Punkerslut: I can speak perfectly good German. Ziggafrier ondas bet. Fleisch neisch unn....

[Author's Note: I'm obviously talking out of my ass.]

DaveMatthewsRocks: how old are you?

Punkerslut: I'm 18.

Punkerslut: Part-time gigolo.

Punkerslut: .... and for once, I'd like my client not to be a man.

DaveMatthewsRocks: 18?

Punkerslut: Aye.

DaveMatthewsRocks: omg. i said g spot to an 18 year old.

Punkerslut: lol, you're an idiot.

DaveMatthewsRocks: im going straight to hell.

DaveMatthewsRocks: fuck.

DaveMatthewsRocks: you're like a fucking baby.

DaveMatthewsRocks: but meaner.

DaveMatthewsRocks: *yawns*

Punkerslut: Haha, you're 19.

DaveMatthewsRocks: shouldnt you be in school or something?

Punkerslut: I'm a drop out.

DaveMatthewsRocks: really? O_o

DaveMatthewsRocks: hey!! i'm ALMLOST 20!!

Punkerslut: Yeah.... In fact, I just got my ass off of living on the streets in New Orleans.

DaveMatthewsRocks: and im a sophomore in HS!

Punkerslut: That's sad.

Punkerslut: You should drop out.

DaveMatthewsRocks: er...

DaveMatthewsRocks: college.

DaveMatthewsRocks: lol.

Punkerslut: I was about to say.

DaveMatthewsRocks: sorry, i was playing with my cam and not really paying attention.

Punkerslut: No, wait, I did say it. That was sad.

DaveMatthewsRocks: lol

DaveMatthewsRocks: *stretch*

DaveMatthewsRocks: i know, officially, 2 HS dropouts now.

DaveMatthewsRocks: one is named jason.

DaveMatthewsRocks: one is named.... er... you...

Punkerslut: My name is Robin Hood.

DaveMatthewsRocks: and both seem extremely smart.

DaveMatthewsRocks: he finally got his GED though so he could work in a bank.

DaveMatthewsRocks: really? my name is olive oil.

Punkerslut: .... only my friends believe me that I'm Robin Hood.

DaveMatthewsRocks: steal from the rich and give to the poor?

DaveMatthewsRocks: sounds like a communist to me.

Punkerslut: Yeap.

Punkerslut: I was a Socialist. When I was homeless, I stole mad amounts of shit from stores and distributed among the poor.

Punkerslut: Eventually, they all called me Robin Hood.

DaveMatthewsRocks: did you live in a shelter???

DaveMatthewsRocks: once, for a class, i had to pretend i was homeless for a night.

Punkerslut: No, sometimes I slept on the sidewalk, or in a squat (abandoned building).

DaveMatthewsRocks: now you live with a sugar momma?

Punkerslut: I wish. I went back home to my parents.

DaveMatthewsRocks: im actually an economic republican.

Punkerslut: I hate you.

DaveMatthewsRocks: so you weren't homeless, you were a runaway.

Punkerslut: I was homeless for three months.

DaveMatthewsRocks: no, you were a runaway for 3 months.

[Author's Note: It's difficult, you understand, talking to stupid people.]

DaveMatthewsRocks: you had a place to go, you chose not to.

Punkerslut: lol, runaways are homeless, too.

DaveMatthewsRocks: meh, i think if you HAVE other alternative, you aren't really homeless.

[Author's Note: lol.]

Punkerslut: You didn't have a place to go. My parents said, "You're not welcome in our house! OUT!"

DaveMatthewsRocks: alternativeS even

DaveMatthewsRocks: oh, i see.

DaveMatthewsRocks: you didnt leave by choice?

Punkerslut: Oh, right, living with abusive family members, that's a good choice.

DaveMatthewsRocks: how come they kicked your ass out?

Punkerslut: First time I "ran away," yes.

Punkerslut: Because I'm a fucking piece of shit.

DaveMatthewsRocks: hm. interesting outlook.

DaveMatthewsRocks: and you think i should give my hard-earned money to poor homeless people?

Punkerslut: lol, no, I think that corporations shouldn't steal from the working class.

DaveMatthewsRocks: im all about giving second chances and whatnot, but i dont give handouts.

Punkerslut: Workers are paid 5% to 20% of the money they make. If you ever worked as a cashier, you'd know this is true.

DaveMatthewsRocks: if you were the CEO of a corporation, i belive you'd think differently.

DaveMatthewsRocks: i did work as a cashier.

DaveMatthewsRocks: on... 3 different occasions

Punkerslut: I'd never get to being a CEO.

DaveMatthewsRocks: you might some day.

[Author's Note: lol.]

Punkerslut: No. High school dropouts don't get jobs.

DaveMatthewsRocks: if you worked hard enough.

DaveMatthewsRocks: jason has a job.

DaveMatthewsRocks: he's the other dropout i know.

Punkerslut: And I'm working plenty fucking hard as it is.

Punkerslut: lol, "the other dropout," you talk like it's a plague or something.

DaveMatthewsRocks: well, it kinda is.

[Author's Note: lol.]

DaveMatthewsRocks: like... i just know if i'd tried to drop out

Punkerslut: If intelligence and smart choices are a plague.

DaveMatthewsRocks: my mom woulda kicked me in the face

Punkerslut: It's called pulling out a knife and stabbing them in the gut.

DaveMatthewsRocks: i dont think ruining your future is really an intelligent, smart choice.

Punkerslut: lol, dropping out does that!?

DaveMatthewsRocks: it definitely is a step towards ruining it.

Punkerslut: Man, I wonder what drugs must do then.

DaveMatthewsRocks: whereas sticking it out, cuz HS is REALLY not that hard, is a much better alternative for future-having.

Punkerslut: It is hard if you want to actually do something with your life. Spending six hours a day letting people taunt you isn't exactly helpful.

DaveMatthewsRocks: do you want to do something with your life?

Punkerslut: Sure.

DaveMatthewsRocks: dropping out makes that infinitely harder.

Punkerslut: lol, no.

DaveMatthewsRocks: trust me, it does.

Punkerslut: Voltaire got somewhere in his life.

DaveMatthewsRocks: i guarantee someone exactly like you would have an easier time getting a job.

DaveMatthewsRocks: not til he was dead.

Punkerslut: Nah, he did some cool things in his life. He did some time.

DaveMatthewsRocks: that's your goal?

DaveMatthewsRocks: to do some time????

DaveMatthewsRocks: meh.

DaveMatthewsRocks: suit yourself.

Punkerslut: Nah, that's not the goal. But if you can do it, you're fucking hardcore.

DaveMatthewsRocks: my goal is to be rich and powerful with a disgustingly expensive car, a gorgeous, successful husband, and a whirlpool tub.

Punkerslut: lol

[Author's Note: Double lol.]

DaveMatthewsRocks: but ya know.... whatever...

Punkerslut: That's amusing.

Punkerslut: My goal is never to go back to prison.

DaveMatthewsRocks: prison, whirlpool tub, whatever floats your boat.

DaveMatthewsRocks: you so haven't been to prison.

Punkerslut: lol, I have.

Punkerslut: Criminal Trespassing.

DaveMatthewsRocks: i went to prison once in the same class i had to pretend to be homeless in.

Punkerslut: Orleans Parish Prison.

DaveMatthewsRocks: jail isn't prison.

Punkerslut: In fucking New Orleans it is.

DaveMatthewsRocks: meh.

DaveMatthewsRocks: and once, i was dating a guy cuz he had a pool table, and i found out he used to be in prison.

DaveMatthewsRocks: so i left him.

Punkerslut: lol

Punkerslut: What's wrong with the inmates!?

DaveMatthewsRocks: meh.

DaveMatthewsRocks: i think he killed someone or something.

DaveMatthewsRocks: i can't remember.

Punkerslut: There's nothing wrong with that. Lots of my friends have warrants for aggravated assault and attempted murder. It's why everyone has states that are "off limits."

DaveMatthewsRocks: *rolls eyes* syre

DaveMatthewsRocks: er sure.

Punkerslut: lol, don't believe me then.

Punkerslut: You know, I do have a goal... I want to be a rapper, for MTV.

DaveMatthewsRocks: omg.

DaveMatthewsRocks: i adore eminem.

Punkerslut: It's a joke.


DaveMatthewsRocks: i know, but i do like eminem.

Punkerslut: .... gross.

Punkerslut: I hate Eminem.

Punkerslut: Do you like any good music?

DaveMatthewsRocks: meh

DaveMatthewsRocks: guster

DaveMatthewsRocks: audioslave

DaveMatthewsRocks: stereo fuse

DaveMatthewsRocks: ani difranco

DaveMatthewsRocks: patchouli

DaveMatthewsRocks: DMB

Punkerslut: Eeewwww, DMB.....

Punkerslut: That's worse than Eminem.

DaveMatthewsRocks: lol

DaveMatthewsRocks: how about you?

Punkerslut: KMFDM, Skinny Puppy, VNV Nation, Apoptygma Berzerk, Aphex Twin, Wumpscut, Funker Vogt, Front 242, Front Line Assembly, Assemblage 23.... And Against Me! and the Violent Femmes.

DaveMatthewsRocks: ugh

DaveMatthewsRocks: no

Punkerslut: Don't like them?

DaveMatthewsRocks: nuh uh

DaveMatthewsRocks: none of 'em

DaveMatthewsRocks: but then again, im old.

DaveMatthewsRocks: you're young.

DaveMatthewsRocks: you shall learn.

Punkerslut: lol

[Author's Note: Because we all know, the primary difference between all 18 year olds and all 19 year olds is the vast gap of knowledge.]

DaveMatthewsRocks: heh

Punkerslut: You're one fucking year old than me. I've done more in my life than you probably will have done when you're 25.

DaveMatthewsRocks: *shakes her head* doubtful

DaveMatthewsRocks: ill probably own a small island nation by the time im 25.

Punkerslut: lol, okay...

DaveMatthewsRocks: :-D

DaveMatthewsRocks: i dont see you owning any small islands?

Punkerslut: lol, you're a fucking idiot.

Punkerslut: I imply that with the best of intentions.

DaveMatthewsRocks: meh.

DaveMatthewsRocks: im just more successful, and probably more intelligent, than you.

DaveMatthewsRocks: and i've had less problems and enjoy better music.

DaveMatthewsRocks: that doesnt make me an idiot.

Punkerslut: lol

DaveMatthewsRocks: just lucky.

Punkerslut: You're a snobby little wench.

DaveMatthewsRocks: meh, bluntness doesnt really mean snobbyness.

DaveMatthewsRocks: im just brutally honest

Punkerslut: No, but saying that one preference over another is actually "better" is brutal snobbiness.

Punkerslut: Arrogance, really.

DaveMatthewsRocks: well, considering that was sarcasm.... take it as you will.

Punkerslut: And, uhh, successful? You're in fucking college. Have fun learning "Latin and stuff."

DaveMatthewsRocks: yep, im in college... a place you'll never be :-)

DaveMatthewsRocks: and im good at it.

Punkerslut: Whachya' get on your SATS?

DaveMatthewsRocks: my teachers love me, my GPA is through the roof, i have tons of friends, i work really hard at my job, and im involved in campus activities.

DaveMatthewsRocks: ill probably have a job within 30 days of graduation making twice what you'll be making at the time.

Punkerslut: lol, okay

DaveMatthewsRocks: i didnt take SATs, but i got a 21 on my ACT which, i believe, is equivalent to a 1380.

DaveMatthewsRocks: er, 31

DaveMatthewsRocks: i can't type.

Punkerslut: You implied that I'll have a job.

DaveMatthewsRocks: 31/36, and im 99% sure that's a 1380.

DaveMatthewsRocks: yeah, you probably wont.

Punkerslut: Exactly.

DaveMatthewsRocks: but if you did... id be makint at least twice what you make... probably closer to triple.

DaveMatthewsRocks: what'd you get on your SATs

DaveMatthewsRocks: ?

Punkerslut: lolol.... Do you always try to compare yourself to others?

Punkerslut: I was on drugs, so the score is irrelevant.

DaveMatthewsRocks: it puts me in the top fucking 2% of the world.

DaveMatthewsRocks: then why'd you ask?

DaveMatthewsRocks: im not the one trying to draw comparisons.

Punkerslut: Curious, so I could mock you.

Punkerslut: lol, you think you're going to be in the "top fucking 2% of the world" because of college, good one.

DaveMatthewsRocks: ah, yes... pitiful people partake in pitiful activities.

Punkerslut: Speak for yourself.

DaveMatthewsRocks: no, not cuz of college... im talking about my intelligence level... im in the top 2% when it comes to intelligence

Punkerslut: *thumbs up*

DaveMatthewsRocks: AND im driven.

DaveMatthewsRocks: unlike you...

Punkerslut: lol

DaveMatthewsRocks: who enjoys quitting.

[Author's Note: Bah! If only we could all be more like Canada!]

Punkerslut: This is enjoyable. Please, go on.

DaveMatthewsRocks: i havent much else to say till you can give a valid (non-defensive) response.

[Author's Note: lol, non-defensive responses... I've just mostly been laughing at her.]

Punkerslut: I love it when people who don't know me think they can immediately draw conclusions. It's totally a sign of intelligence. I mean, if saying something in ignorance isn't knowledgeable, I don't know what is!

DaveMatthewsRocks: i dont need to prove myself by talking about my drugs and my sex and my fantastic life as a homeless runaway....

[Author's Note: lol, is that what this is about?]

Punkerslut: *hushes the audience as she prepares to say something about how she's better*

Punkerslut: That was close. But see, now you have to adjust it a little. Talk about how you're going to be better than me in some way.

DaveMatthewsRocks: you, on the other hand, have nothing else to tell about yourself because you're what most pople like to call...a LOSER.

Punkerslut: "You on the other hand"? You were just talking about me. Don't you mean, "More on you"?

DaveMatthewsRocks: you know... dropped out, on drugs, criminal record, has goals about not going back to prison, etc.

Punkerslut: That's not a bad goal!

[Author's Note: And it's not!]

DaveMatthewsRocks: i'm what's referred to as "america's best and brightest," love.

DaveMatthewsRocks: something you'll never, ever get to be called.

DaveMatthewsRocks: *pats you on the head*

Punkerslut: lol

DaveMatthewsRocks: you will, forever, be known as a loser.

DaveMatthewsRocks: you'll go nowhere.

Punkerslut: lol

DaveMatthewsRocks: wind up with no friends.

DaveMatthewsRocks: have no job.

Punkerslut: You must be really having some emotional problems with this.

DaveMatthewsRocks: live at home til you're 30.

DaveMatthewsRocks: then wind up back in the prison system for the remainder of your life.

DaveMatthewsRocks: while im driving my digustingly expensive car, bossing around the people below me, and toting my gorgeous husband to banquets and benefits.

[Author's Note: There's something seriously wrong with this girl.]

Punkerslut: Okay, you convinced me! I'm going to get my GED and buy that DMB album, just so I can be considered the top 2% of the world.

DaveMatthewsRocks: it isnta bout being in the top 2%, it's about what you want out of life.

Punkerslut: lol, it's like you never grew up from the "I'm gonna be Barbie" dream of most 8 year olds.

DaveMatthewsRocks: if you dont mind being a loser... so be it.

Punkerslut: Yeah, "loser," such objective definition, too.

DaveMatthewsRocks: that dream isnt one 8 year olds have. or at least i didnt.

DaveMatthewsRocks: i just know where im going with my life.

DaveMatthewsRocks: and i know im going to be successful, and because of the field im in, rich.

DaveMatthewsRocks: and thus i can have the things i want.

DaveMatthewsRocks: and provide for a family.

Punkerslut: I provided for thirty families quite fine. =)

DaveMatthewsRocks: by stealing? ROFLK

DaveMatthewsRocks: ROFL!!!!!!!!

Punkerslut: lol, you obviously don't know much about it.

DaveMatthewsRocks: *dies laughing*

[Author's Note: Aye, and that's one thing I can be proud of. My revolutionary activity, by stealing from the rich, and giving to the poor.]

DaveMatthewsRocks: well, ya know..

DaveMatthewsRocks: steal for your family... or whoevers family

Punkerslut: lol, you're a funny girl. =)

DaveMatthewsRocks: and be happy about it

Punkerslut: "I'm intelligent. I respond to anything that contradicts me with laughter, because why? I'm intelligent."

Punkerslut: "Only smart people can go to college."

DaveMatthewsRocks: it didnt contradict me, it was just ridiculous.

Punkerslut: "I'm going to own a nation state."

DaveMatthewsRocks: no, i said precisely the opposite.

Punkerslut: It's because you're ignorant.

DaveMatthewsRocks: i said "anyone can finish HS and thus get into college"

DaveMatthewsRocks: you on the other hand

Punkerslut: Couldn't..... *whimpers*

DaveMatthewsRocks: somehow failed at that menial task

DaveMatthewsRocks: im sorry ,menial probably isnt in your vocabulary...

Punkerslut: lol, okay.

DaveMatthewsRocks: it means "really really really easy"

Punkerslut: loooooool

Punkerslut: It doesn't mean really easy. It means physical labor, dumbass.

Punkerslut: Jeeze.... And you'd think I was the college student.

Punkerslut: lol, you got the definition of menial wrong.

DaveMatthewsRocks: anyway, you failed at it.

Punkerslut: No I didn't. I dropped out.

Punkerslut: Quitting, and trying and failing are totally different.

DaveMatthewsRocks: now whos laughing??

DaveMatthewsRocks: menial?

DaveMatthewsRocks: no ,it doesnt.

Punkerslut: Get a dictionary. Christ, with owning a nation state, I think you could afford one.

DaveMatthewsRocks: actually, my friends need me to go to lunch... so we'll have to finish this later.

Punkerslut: Have fun!


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