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By Punkerslut
Not only am I a social, political, and philosophical critic, but I tend to call myself a rather well informed film critic. A can honestly say that many of my friends have despised me for my unavailing opinion in films. There are many films I honestly detest.
I only saw the first three quarters of this film, so my judgment might be slightly impaired. However, I doubt my opinion will be that impaired (unless something significant happens in the end of this movie that makes up for it being a terrible movie). This movie wasn't much of a distance away from its predecessor: It's a Mad Mad World. Just like the movie it was after, it was simply a bad movie. Movie goers to this film will find themselves constantly asking the same question: "When does it get to the funny part?" The answer is rather simple: "It doesn't get to the funny part." Everything in this film happens on accident. Does everyone remember when Blink 182 caused Bad Religion to cancel their tour so they could open for Blink 182? Yes, I was pissed off too. (No, I've never been to a show and never plan to, but really it's the principle: Bad Religion is a superb band, and Blink 182 is horse shit.) Well, this movie Rat Race got Mister Bean to play as a character in the film. Not only that, but this authentically ugly British actor is treated as though he's Arabic! Mister Bean and his work is undoubtedly excellent. Any educated critic will be able to understand this abomination! The pace of the film is simply atrocious. As I said before, everything happens on accident. If you insistently ask a two year old to say the first thing that comes to mind, you'll find yourself in the middle of the plot to Rat Race. A few individuals are racing to Silver City and the first one there gets two million dollars. Consider the part of Whoopi Goldberg in this movie. She's driving and she comes to a woman selling squirrels. See, that was supposed to be funny, but the reason you didn't laugh was because it's not funny at all. The squirrel lady then tells Whoopi to go a certain direction. She goes and eventually ends up wandering the desert aimlessly. She finally comes to a scientist collective who are trying to make the fastest car in existence. (Bwhahahahahahahaha.... The plot's not funny at all, but the lack of creativity from the writers certainly is!) Can you possibly guess what Whoopi does when at the scientist collective with the world's fastest car? She gets in it and drives in it. While driving, she's all shaking and convulsing. (Ha.... ha.... ha..... wait, that's not funny at all!) Then she crashes and gets out, all dazed and confused. Then she's boarded in to a bus for insane people, because he's walking around like she's insane! Whooooo.... you laugh yet? I didn't think so. This film is certainly incapable of making any intelligent person laugh. It has no use whatsoever. Or so I think. But maybe you have a depressed friend who you want to kill themselves. They're not going to kill themselves yet because they believe that there is hope that there are intelligent, welcoming, warm, and compassionate individuals out there. However, if you take them to see this movie, by the middle of it I'm sure they would have killed themselves already. So, this movie DOES have a purpose: to make near-suicidal individuals off themselves. But if you want a good laugh, don't see this movie. A star-lit night sky permeated with cricket sounds produces more laughter than this sorry excuse for a film.
This movie was a black and white original. Jay Sherman, the cartoon film critic (voiced by Jon Lovitz) who mocked almost every movie I hated, recommended this very film. Being sucked into the treachery of an obviously delusional cartoon character, I actually paid money to be tortured for two hours. It was like watching Beaver while on LSD: it's black and white, everyone seems more angry, and random things happen for apparently little or no reason. The story is about a person who is not slightly admirable. I mean, I can understand having a detestable character in a movie to make it a good movie. But in this film, they actually tried to build him up as a good person to a certain extent, but even then I hated the bastard. He was a newspaper tycoon and a fake Socialist. He published a few articles about how landlords had been treating their tenants badly, and then when the Spanish-American War lurks right around the corner, he falsifies his newspaper stories just so he can send average Joe America to Cuba so he can get his head blown off for dogmatic Imperialism, a finality of Capitalism. The whole film is about this boring and rather dull character: Charles Foster Kane. However, in the beginning of the film, he dies a rich bastard and he says "rosebud" before he dies. So, the entire film is a search by his friends and colleagues, as well as journalists, as to what this word means. There are many in and out scenes between Kane's life and between the searchers. I don't really mind this, but the whole thing sucks period. I suppose when you're watching a film, it takes a while before it gets good. I can say with full sincerity that this film only gets progressively worse. It's basically a soap opera with this shallow character. But they try to pretend to a certain extent that it's deep, emotional and moving. In fact, they only turn out looking like jackasses. Kane is a selfish asshole.... period. When he was a child, his parents sold him to a rich industrialist. He starts a newspaper, gets a few wives, makes a few friends, loses a few friends. It's not imaginative at all. Rather dull, boring, and loose. It's kind of like those TeeVee programs that try to be real, like Survivor or a game show. The only difference though, is this movie actually manages to be boring. Everything that happens in this film, you'll open your mouth and let out a long and unending, "Boooooooo-ring!" It's not as bad as other films, but when he stops being friends with some guy, or when he gets a divorce, it's just not entertaining. It's not very realistic or intriguing at all. Just a bunch of shallow, greedy, American characters doing what shallow, greedy, American characters do. Open your window and watch some cars go by. This film will manage to make you think that car-watching is a profitable form of entertainment. After all, you can bore people with shitty films like this one or you can watch shiny metal objects go vroom across the pavement: in the end, you wasted your time. But if you watch Citizen Kane, the chances are that you wasted your time and money.
As Jay Sherman once said, "Sleepy Hollow is both sleepy and hollow." (Shortly after, though, the traitor confessed that he loved the movie secretly.) This film is was incredibly dumb. The things the people do, the conflicts that must be dealt with, and main story itself are rather repulsive. I saw the movie develop very well within the beginning: a Rationalist Humanitarian speaking out against cruel punishments, but then it so grossly transformed into a rather nauseating plot. It's somewhat like Sherlock Holmes, where they do something and once it's explained, everyone's eyes open wide and they all say, "Ah ha!" The only difference, though, is that nobody really cares in this film once something is explained. You might yawn, yes, but I seriously doubt you'd show any expression of excitement or entertainment. This movie is simply riddled with bad comedy. In one scene when the headless horseman is chasing the main characters, they run into a windmill and some dingbat on the side says, "watch your heads!" If I'm laughing, it's only at the creativity of the writers. From my candid investigation, I have discovered that the director, Tim Burton, has spent a nickel, a penny, and a paper clip on hiring a writer crew; this is no joke, my friends. But allow me to say that before the movie begins, it's not too bad. Before the screen goes on, before the people begin to speak, hell, before you press the play button, it's not really that bad. In fact, it had potential to be a good movie. But then it developed into a mystery movie where this one woman hires Satan to randomly kill like ten people. Their deaths are not explained until the very end when the bad guy unveils her entire plan. (What is this? A Saturday morning cartoon?) Alfred Hitchcock's black & white film Psycho has more realistic blood than this film. In one scene, they chop up a tree that has blood in it. It looks like Koolade. The bad parts of this film can be defined as following: the humor made to attract three year olds to the movie theaters, the pathetic plot made to be understandable by rednecks with an IQ lower than 60, and the downright foolish way everything in portrayed so that you won't find a damn thing different here. However, as I said before, this movie had potential. Instead of invoking the ancient voice of a bad plot fixated on the shoulders of mainstream cash and Capitalism, they could have had something more sophisticated. As you well know by now, the plot is about a headless horseman who kills lots of people and one investigator has to find out who is doing it. Now, it would have been a superb film if it was this investigator trying to convince the township that the horse was nothing but their imaginations. After all, the main character is an Atheist (but I doubt he stayed that way when the headless horseman dove into hell). But if it was one outspoken Rationalist against a crowd of foolish, dogmatic citizens, it would have been superb. Other than that, this movie sucked.
Now, I began screaming at this film too many times that I was forced to turn it off before I could finish it. There were too many parts of this film that I find downright horrible and stupid. It starts off with a British raid on a French town. And then Joan of Arc appears out of nowhere, but with the blessing of god, to kill the British. I thought the ol' man upstairs wasn't supposed to take sides in regards to international problems? Oh, well. Jesus Christ doesn't make much sense anyway. Throughout this film, the main character - Joan - will constantly depend on this fictional Jesus character to do things. It is so angering, I kept throwing popcorn at the screen. She was so incredibly stupid. In one scene, they're testing if she was sent by god by making her look for the king in a crowd of people and she finds him.... with the help of sweet Jesus, I'm sure. And then in another scene, this 16 year old French tart is talking with generals about a military plan. These are experienced military generals. And she says, "We have to do a direct charge right on their fortress!" The generals all disagree and rightly so. With all the long-ranged weapons and the powerful army, they'd easily end up worse than Picket's March. But then she argues, "I'm not telling you to do this! God is!" Bwhahahahaha.... That's great. I'm sorry, lil dear, but that's a bit of hearsay. Revelation is when god tells you something directly, not when someone else tells you that god said something. (Likewise, the Bible is a bunch of garbage, but you don't need to be a genius for that. Only need to be able to read and a bit of common sense.) Thomas Paine argued on a similar point in his book The Age of Reason. So, throughout this movie, Joan of Arc makes these great moves with the aid of god and she manages to kick ass. This inexperienced, hallucinogenic child saves all of France. It happened in real life, sure, but the movie degraded her and made her look like a rambling lunatic, unworthy of consideration or value, unless one does not value their sanity. This movie was simply terrible. I mean, when god decides to kick someone's ass, do you really think it'll be difficult to accurately place a bet on who will win? Of course not. If you've ever read the God-man comic books, you'll know why. In the end, he just snaps his fingers and the other guy disappears. And that's what this film is: god helps Joan of Arc go around and kick ass without even a scratch. But then she gets captured and executed. (lol.... where was god then, my brothers? He was in her head as it rolled down the street.) Simply put, though: a bad movie. I even hate it.
I have been somewhat weary to criticize this movie. I mean, every single film critic from here to Uranus has said that seeing this movie was worse than going to prison. As one film critic accurately assesses this film, "Everything happened on accident and was followed by childish babbling." This movie had innumerable reasons for hating it: stupid characters, idiotic plot, moronic action. Jarjar Binks and lil' Anakin Skywalker are the two worst characters ever invented in the history of civilization. Jarjar Binks should be the mascot of Capitalism. "Look!" he says, "We don't need interesting characters, or even an interesting plot. All we need is jokes lacking in humor and antics lacking in intelligence! Come and watch me. Not because I'm a good film, and not because I'm funny, but because I try to do both, but fail miserably, and it was my advertising budget which screwed you so badly!" Yes, yes, I hear Jarjar Binks speaking loud and clearly. (I'll have to be careful of publishing this article. Since I took a quote from the movie Star Wars Episode One, their legal staff may sue me for stealing their content. And, after all, this is devout Capitalism.) When did people start saying that they didn't care about the quality of the products they buy? Right about the time this film became popular. But there has been a feeling of apathy in consideration to quality for quite some time. People didn't care whether or not the product they bought was intellectually stimulating or humorous. Instead, they only cared about that quick dash of action or that quick, unbridled sexual encounter. No wonder this film has the eye of the public: they care more about shiny, bright objects than intellectually stimulating concepts. Let me just briefly go over the storyline of this bad excuse for a "film." These androids take over a planet and this queen is forced to leave. She goes to Tatoone and meets Anakin Skywalker, a slave. The kid goes in a race with these big rockets, saves the world, and then they go back to her home planet, beat up the robots, and Anakin saves the day again. This is what makes my blood boil: this 8 year old boy flies a spaceship accidentally right into the enemy's big ship and blows the whole thing up, and starts screaming and yelling like a hick on bad alcohol. Oh, yeah... Right. That almost sounds realistic. Let me give congratulations to the movie makers of this film for the worst film of all time. Not only does the plot blow ass, but the comedy parts are stupid. I'm sure there are one too many parts of the film where Jarjar Binks farts, or is near someone who farts. Oh, wait, you didn't laugh? Know why? It wasn't at all funny. Oh, and then the part where Anakin is flying a spaceship and crashes into a robot. Ooooo... Let me cover my mouth to hold the laughter. Yeah, this movie would have been entertaining and funny, IF I was living in fantasy land!
Robocop 1 was perhaps an okay movie. And Robocop 2 wasn't really that bad, either. But here's Robocop 3 and whoa, look out. It's a horrendously bad movie. First: it's corny, the characters are about as interesting as rocks, and the nothing vaguely entertaining occurs. It had a somewhat good beginning: Capitalist pigs were trying to take over a small urban area where poor people live. And then these monkeywrencher rebels start kicking ass. They use bombs and mob force. Really beautiful, but it doesn't last long. Robocop, for some unknown reason, decides to run his car right off the top of the building. Lame part #6: one of the main characters dies and she gives a thumbs up to one of her partners. Lame part #7: out of nowhere, Robocop learns to fly and finds a big missile, which he uses to blow up a tank. Lame part #8: the Japanese ninja turns out to be a robocop-like thing. Lame part #9: the little girl hacks into the ninja (without making any physical connection to the robot) and makes it turn against itself. Lame part #10: An officer dies and her last words to Robocop are: "Get them for me!" Lame part #11: two officers try having sex with a prostitute; Robocop goes up to them, says, "that's no way to treat a girl," and blows them a way. Then he tells the girl, "It's time to get home. It's past your curfew." Lame part #12: A guy aims a gun at Robocop and Robocop shoots the gun and keeps shooting it to keep it in the air and keep it from falling (apparently the directors fail to realize that an object that has horizontal force does not gain any vertical thrust!!). I could go on forever, but for the sake of whatever intelligence may be left inhibited in our population, I'll stop. This movie was plainly bad. There's no other way to put it. The characters were about as stimulating as the hairs on old aunt Aleesha's back. The things that happened were about as real as a nine-year-old's story about how they escaped Martians. And it failed to entertainment me for a split second. Conclusion There you have it. The worst films every made. I hated them. People hated them. Surely you hated them. Ah, well. Let's just keep a look out for more good films like A Clockwork Orange and Shawshank Redemption and try to avoid the Robocop 3s and the Rat Races. Punkerslut,
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Rat Race
Citizen Kane
Sleepy Hollow
The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc
Star Wars Episode One
Robocop 3
