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The Definition
of a

By Punkerslut

By Signe Hermanns
Image: By Signe Hermanns,
Released Under Creative Commons
"Attribution-Share Alike 2.5 Generic" License

Start Date: February 25, 2010
Finish Date: February 25, 2010

"Yes, I am a Free Lover. I have an inalienable, constitutional and natural right to love whom I may, to love as long or as short a period as I can; to change that love every day if I please, and with that right neither you nor any law you can frame have any right to interfere. And I have the further right to demand a free and unrestricted exercise of that right, and it is your duty not only to accord it, but, as a community, to see that I am protected in it. I trust that I am fully understood, for I mean just that, and nothing less!"
          --Victoria C. Woodhull, with Stephen Pearl Andrews, 1871
          "And the Truth Shall Make You Free: A Speech on the Principles of Social Freedom"
          Delivered in Steinway Hall, Monday, Nov. 20, 1871

     The Polyamorous relationship is based on non-exclusion. In our short periods here on this planet, we shouldn't give up on any possible, fulfilling experiences. We should not restrict ourselves to only one person, just as we could not limit ourselves to one emotion. Our lives will be improved if we explore all of our opportunities, whether they are intellectual or cultural, social or sexual.

     This is where Polyamory differs from today's conventional thinking. It is a philosophy that advocates choosing as many partners as makes you happy. Whether you are happy with one person, or many people, you should be allowed to discover the sexual experiences of these relationships. Instead of basing the relationship on one-partner, it is based on openness and honesty; we are committed to each other, only to the extent that we define. For the Polyamorous couple, this typically means allowing the other partner to see and experience sex with others, as well.

     Being Polyamorous means having open relationships; you are not restricted in partners or lovers, but you must be honest with those you have sex with. The activity itself is a social behavior, and so it naturally must have its ethics and its morals. Instead of actually worrying about who is having sex with who, we decide to spend our time caring about people; we try to fight off the impulses of envy and jealousy, and to replace them with more experiences of love. Our morality does not consist in what we do in the bedroom, but it consists in how we treat and respect each other -- in consists in being honest, open, and being willing to listen.

     Sex is social, and it has to be. We are listening to the needs of someone else, while communicating our own.

     As much as we might feel like we explode with passion during sex, it always has been and always will be a social act. Whether to initiate it after having met for only thirty minutes is up to the participants. But it is a form of communication, and it can only work well when you have a strong sense of empathy -- when you're capable of feeling and responding to the desires of your lover. By providing more avenues for this activity, we're giving ourselves all of the benefits of sex... multiplied by the number of our partners. And when we are left by one partner, we can still find the same passion and hope within our circle of friends.

By Signe Hermanns
Image: By Signe Hermanns,
Released Under Creative Commons
Attribution-Share Alike 2.5 Generic" License

     The whole concept is that we're trying to redefine our relationships with society to improve the happiness of every individual. To give them more security of mind, comfort of body, and liberty of heart. This can be best achieved when you're not completely dependent upon one solitary person for all your innermost needs. When you have a wide circle of compassion, it is easier to find somewhere to turn for a listening mind and a loving touch. Polyamory is not simply about satisfying the natural sexual needs of the individual -- it is most importantly about redefining our social organization, to better serve all the needs of the individual.

     This new culture must understand that jealousy is a natural part of our human characteristics, and similarly, that we must try to deal with it as peacefully and openly as possible. We are not always so free in choosing our emotions and the connections that we make with people. But we should always be honest about what we really expect out of a relationship with a person -- and we should be aware of how it can make us feel. When we are ready for the responsibility, we are freeing ourselves to a life with greater pleasure and more lovers.

     The traditional, monogamous relationship is a failure in reaching our human needs. It does not teach that jealousy and envy are evil, but it encourages them -- it teaches people that there is a justice in making someone exclusively yours, that there is a goodness in preventing your significant other from thinking or wanting others. Monogamy teaches that the sexually-promiscuous person has a shallow heart and no willingness to love; that the person who loves more than one can have no sense of kindness or dignity. But this is not the true nature of humanity. We always want and seek more, and to be married is to be sexually trapped. Monogamy makes such a great enemy out of those who disbelieve it, because the greatest threat to this ridiculous, social system is doubt.

     When you are in the glory of the sex act, the pleasure can be so intense as to make you feel like you've temporarily left reality's dimension -- and it is something that requires the cooperation of another person. The more people that we accept and appreciate, the more opportunities we'll have for sex. That means more memories of closeness with humanity, of intimacy with a lover.

     In our dark moments, all we have is our thoughts of loved ones. And throughout the dull and somber existence of industrial society, it is sometimes only them that pushes us to take the toll of living. Finally, in our last few days on this planet, we will only have our experiences of love to comfort us. Our lives will be significantly richer if we take in all parts of life -- if we learn to cherish, enjoy and expand our philosophy of sex.

"One danger of concentrating on only one person at an early age is the real chance a boy takes that he'll someday wake up to discover there are a great many different kinds of girls in the world and a lot of different experiences, sexual and otherwise, he could have been having if he hadn't concentrated on one. It's a shame to miss so much of life before settling down to marriage, to miss part of that wonderful youthful freedom that won't come gain. Too often the boy who has been involved with one girl almost from the beginning and has entered into a very young marriage begins to think of himself as trapped..."
          --Wardell B. Pomeroy, 1968
          "Boys and Sex," First Edition, Pages 92-93


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