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By Punkerslut, Ely (Fat Free Religion), and Jawbreaker Savior.

Image by NiD
Image: "Penetrating" by NiD

Start Date: 1/24/02
Finish Date: 1/24/02

     Another day, another wasted effort. I never thought I'd feel this low, this careless. Sleep, brother of death, is all I wait for now. All ambition crumbles to pieces, it doesn't mean anything any more. The tears swell up and my heart sinks to the floor as I realize something: I don't care any more. Everything I do is based on habit and not meaning. My friends seem so estranged - we never talk and I never understand them. I'm under the cover of depression, wide awake, and wishing I would fall asleep. I feel lonely and lost, but it doesn't matter, because I don't care. When I'm awake, I wander aimless, head filled of sex dreams and physical fantasies. The calm, affectionate touch of another is all I really think about any more. This thought occupies my mind, entrances my emotions. Apathy has desensitized me. Pleasure means nothing to me. Apathy. Just sleep and ignorance of reality. Apathy. I don't need to ask myself who I am - I always knew, but now it doesn't matter. Apathy. I dream of happiness, but open my eyes to the cold, sterile darkness inhibiting my reality. Apathy. Apathy. Apathy.

     When we sleep we dream about living. When we wake we dream about dying. Lies surround us. We drown in this sea of lies. We lie to ourselves. Push off reality and pull on a mask. Porcelain chips and cracks too. Deceit. Flawed are both the mask and the face it conceals. These tears are meaningless. Lie. Life has purpose. Lie. God loves you. Lie. Pull ourselves out of bed each day to be fed lies. The food they give me only tears at my stomach and forces its way out. Purge yourself of all this deception. Burning to live. Burning to die. Burn. We spend all of our lives burning in restless ecstasy, only to one day turn cold. Oh wind, stir and let me blow out this candle. Escape. Run. Let the light not blind you when you close your eyes. Let truth burn red hot with in us, or let us escape.

     We're all an imagination of ourselves. Nothing is real, and I am not here. This does not matter, and it'll all be over before it begins. Lose yourself in egotistical interpretations. Destroy the Id, the super ego, and your mind. Fall blame to fate, Blame your Fall on Fate. Blame your Fate on your Fall. Follow me no where. Slice yourself in half bent over the broken shelves of destiny. Scarce inhabitations of a broken land. Fall now fall fall fall. Throw yourself against the wall. Break me now. Through the never, until ever comes forever. Fall fall destroy the world in a grain of salt. Fall fall fall. I am nothing but an ego. A walking silhouette of no mans land. To be thrown against this burden of size and weight. We're all God's children. Some of us have to die.

     Hold your hands up high and stare at the sun. This is not the kind of world I want to live in. Make your claim to fate and hold on tight. Relentlessly, they tug, churn, and boil. There is no such thing as reality, and if there is, I most certainly don't want to be any part of it. Keep raising your hands. The end is almost near. Hope exits the mind and occupies our hearts. Nothing will kill us. We're already dead. Keep raising your hands. Peace lives in the shell of the life unobtained. War rages in the chambers of the mind. The worst enemy you'll ever have is yourself. When you go to battle against your arch nemesis, prepare yourself with the most lethal weapon. Keep raising your hands. When the darkness covers your life, open your heart and let the light struggle for survival. They're all around us. We're already dead. An open grave in hell awaits us. This is just to tell you that the end has not yet come. The beginning of everything you ever knew has just started. Keep raising your hands and you might be able to burn your fucking fingertips on the sun. Unavailing.

Jawbreaker Savior,

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